5 months

It has been 5 months since my mom died. I'm still here, but it's hard to write with so much going on emotionally, physically and mentally.

Death and Anniversaries

I have been thinking recently how long it has been since I've written here, and how when things are going well, I may not need to write here as often, which is a good thing for me-enjoying life and not over-processing it, but I knew I'd come here soon. I wanted to write about Firefly's day in June and write about Oscar's and Bella's birthday later this month. Perhaps I will write about them, but today, my heart has been shattered again.

My mom died unexpectedly. July 19th is the last day I saw, and ever will see, my Mom's body. We didn't talk on the phone a lot, so I don't know the last time I spoke with her, but I had an email from her in my inbox that I hadn't responded to yet. She asked about it earlier in the day, if I had answered. It was about me bringing the kids up for a visit next week.

By the time I got to the hospital, she was already gone. Had I gotten there earlier, she wouldn't have known I was there, as she was unconscious from around 12:40pm until her death between 4pm and 5:50pm while I was driving to the hospital (2.5 hour drive from my house to the hospital where she was), so I'm not too distraught about not being there when she died. I wish I could have answered the email though, so it didn't feel like I left her hanging. My sister said she was excited to see the kids next week, and now she's gone. She will never see Gus and Lucy grow up. She would never see Lucy in any dance clothes or recitals, something my mom would have absolutely adored. She will never be there for anything, ever again.

So much of what is happening now is reminiscent of when Oscar and Bella died. It is hard to balance my own grieving with being a support for others because I have been through unexpected and too soon deaths already. I am grateful that my grief with my kids can help navigate this time for my step-dad, but am so sad that my mom is gone, and that I have to navigate this at all.

Diabetes Update in Bullets

• I went to Boston this week to see if I was eligible to participate in a clinical trial working to reverse Type 1 diabetes using the BCG vaccine. The lab needed to run a c-peptide test (a measure of insulin production) and are accepting those with values between 5 and 200. (Note: A non-diabetic with a normal functioning pancreas would be between 170 and 900). My results came back at the lowest threshold of 1.5. What this means is that my actual value of c-peptide is AT MOST 1.5. There is a "second chance" to get into the study by having my urine tested, so I'm awaiting the urine test kit to do next week. I knew my chances of getting into the study were slim, but it's still stinky to not qualify.
• Ever since joining a gym, and exercising every day, I've had to reduce my basal rates by 10%!!!! Apparently exercise increases sensitivity to insulin.
• I'm uploading my pump and meter weekly to my diabetes educator and we are making changes. The biggest challenge right now is figuring out what to do to prevent lows, both while exercising and after exercising.
• I had my A1c done on Monday, and it came back at 6.2!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those not diabetic would be between 4 and 6. A 6.2 puts my average blood sugar for the past 3 months at 131.

So, while I'm likely not going to be eligible to participate in finding a cure for diabetes (in this study), overall, my diabetes is doing well, and I'm living to fight another day.

A letter to my former fitness instructor

May 10, 2017

Brent,

I greatly hesitated writing this letter, but am doing it anyway. So, take it for what you will, be it a letter from the crazy lady in your MSCR 45 Strength or a client testimonial.

I simply want to express my gratitude that you were my instructor for 45 Strength September 2016-March 2017. There I was a stay-at-home-mom of a 6-year-old son, Gus, and almost 2-year-old daughter, Lucy. Our family had recently moved back to Madison after living in a small town in Iowa, where minds were mostly small and opportunities to meet people outside of a church were scarce. I was really looking forward to taking a strength class. I was looking forward to have time alone without the needs of my kids coming first. I was looking forward to doing something for my four children in Heaven, Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly, as attention for them is sometimes hard to come-by with the tasks of everyday family living. I was looking forward to getting stronger and feeling better about my body, knowing we are done having kids.

I was nervous about having a male instructor for an exercise class, as I had never had one before, but you were just what I needed. You fit exactly what I needed: some goofiness, lots of motivation, modifications for each exercise so I could choose which level to try, and so many reminders that my fitness journey was my own, where I was on that day was not where I had been in the past or where I would be in the future. At some point, I’m not sure when. I began to believe you, that I was making progress, that I could choose heavier weights and that I was getting stronger. And then, after that, I wasn’t going to class to show Oscar, Bella, Tittle and Firefly what their mom could do. I was going to class because I liked it. I liked that I felt stronger. I liked that I was doing something for me. I liked that I was taking time for myself and using it to improve my mind and body.

And now here we are today, about two months since my last class with you. In that time, I tried out the new instructor for 45 Strength and it was NOT a good fit. My husband, Jon (who has been lifting weights every day for the past year), and I did some gym shopping and two weeks ago he moved from Gold’s and we started at Princeton Club. I’ve been going every day since then. Me exercising every day is not something I think I’ve done since I was a kid, when playing was exercising. I’m trying to find my way in the big gym, feeling comfortable in most of the group classes, feeling uncomfortable in the free weight area, working up courage to try a water exercise class and trying my best, but not doing very well, to try to remember some of the workouts you had us do in class.

I know I gave you some grief in class, and for that I apologize, but know that it was coming from the heart, mind and body of someone who has always felt her body was broken. Type 1 diabetes since the age of two and infertility and pregnancy loss in my twenties and thirties told me over and over again, day after day, that my body was broken, weak and sometimes worthless. That mindset is changing. My body is still broken: stupid pancreas and reproductive system, but the rest of my body can be fine, can be strong and can be worth a whole lot. So, thank you. Thank you for being what I needed at a time that I was ready to change.

Sincerely,

Brianna

My Mother's Ring

Jon designed a beautiful ring for me for Mother's Day this year. While I have felt my emotions since I've received my ring, I haven't been able to put words to them quite yet, so I apologize for my scattered writings below.

Fitness

Starting in September I started taking some fitness classes. It is now March and I'm thinking of joining a gym this summer!

The Shack

What follows below are my completely unedited thoughts after seeing The Shack tonight.

Just saying

After much hesitation, I shared the link to this post on a FB group for moms with T1 diabetes. I was concerned about opening up my private space to so many people, but I hoped for the best and posted the link. Today, I received a comment on this post, which I have deleted. The comment was posted anonymously and cowardly, but the person cared enough to go through the process to post it. I'm not sure what sort of reaction they were hoping for, but if it was to hurt me, check. If it was to make me feel ashamed for my choices, nope. If it was to frighten me away from my space to write what I want to write about, nope.

Diabetes: A Day in the Life-2/25/17

In my attempt to move my diabetes to a higher priority than it currently is, I thin I need to think about it a little more, pay more attention to it, and fully realize what a big part of my life it is. So, a random diabetes day in the life.

Diabetes is...sucky, hard, frustrating, overwhelming...

Since moving back to WI I've been seeing my new endocrinologist every three months, and my next appointment is on Friday. Per routine, I had my blood drawn today for my Hemoglobin A1c test. This test gives a clue as to how one's overall control has been for the previous 3 months. I was scared to have this test done, and now I'm feeling so many different emotions after seeing the result.

Responsibility-balancing parents and children

How do you know when to pass on responsibility for something to a child? What is the line between helping, enabling and doing it for them?

I'm Scared

I was really, really hoping that another person in the Senate would vote no for Betsy DeVos. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. And now, I'm feeling scared, anxious and nervous.

#Microblog Monday: Today was a good day

There is a lot of negativity in our world. For whatever reason, I was able to take on a new perspective today.

I may not completely fit the definition, but I felt awesome today. This morning I had three tasks I wanted to complete before Lucy's nap was done. By the end of her nap, I had completed them, and through one I completed another task not on my high-priority list.

So, in this world where we are constantly told that we aren't enough, that we don't get enough done, that our efforts are not enough, I'm going to celebrate accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish today: placing Gus' and Lucy's pizza dinner order, scheduling a haircut for Gus, contacting the city to get an extra recycling bin with the bonus of finding out how to get rid of Jon's broken recumbent bike.

Did you have any victories today?

Reflections on our move: 7 months later

It has been almost 7 months since we've moved. There are a few things I miss about Iowa, but overall, I am so, so glad that we are back.

Getting back to me

It's been awhile since I've been here, and I'm recommitting, again, to try to write here more often. In the midst of the political turmoil that is happening right now, I NEED to do something with my downtime other than scroll through FB and other websites that don't fill me with good things. I know I need to stay in-the-know and take action for what is important to me, but what I've been doing has not been good for the overall me. So, instead of using my downtime to read news articles that make me shake my head or anger me or make my mouth drop open, I'm going to do something that "fills my cup" so that I can continue on every day feeling better, instead of worse, about what might happen in my life as a result of our new government situation.

So, I'm going to try to write here, again. Some posts may be short, some may be long, some may be rambling, but I'm hoping they will help me sort out my brain, worries, fears, excitements and love.

Tittle Day 2017-7 years

On January 25, it was 7 years since we found out that Tittle had died. This is the first year that I've looked forward to honoring his day. There were still some tears, which is expected, but overall, it was a great day honoring our sneaky Tittle.